How to be a Perfect Parent 👂

The first step in being the perfect parent is realizing perfection is not reality. Perfection is an illusion that puts us as parents in a chokehold and pressure There's no such thing as perfect parenting. Every day we learn and grow if we choose to. Heavy on the....if we choose to. What if I told you it's normal to make mistakes and even okay to apologize to your kids? That every day is a chance to be a better parent than yesterday. Let go of that perfect parent you made up in your head or copy and pasted from a TV show. Let go of the guilt of not being a perfect parent and making mistakes. This is the real, ever-changing world that we are adapting to and raising impressionable humans to one day lead and survive in.

Each day is a new page and every age your child turns is a brand new chapter you're having to pivot and navigate. Don't expect to know all of the answers and don't be closed off to learning new ways to parent. Today's post is partially to clear some thoughts from my mind about something that recently came up in conversation and hopefully to help another parent. Let me know if it helps you at all. Feel free to add your thoughts in the comments. And If it doesn't apply let it fly.

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THE MESSAGE: Stop treating your kids like they're a burden to you.

Try to remember at any point in your life when you've felt like someone didn't want to be bothered with you. Like asking for their help or simply breathing in their space was such an inconvenience to them...how did that make you feel? If you've never experienced that imagine your favorite person in life being constantly annoyed by you. Needing help but feeling unworthy or scared to ask the person you thought was meant to help you?

I feel like this is something we as parents have to learn to balance even if we're not doing it intentionally. Even if our reasoning is bills, work or life is stressful. You have to learn to reset yourself and balance your life's responsibilities with your most important responsibility- your kids. For me...it was a mix of life being busy and working through my own childhood trauma and experiences. As a kid...there was always the fear of being yelled at when asking for help, embarrassed to ask for help, or simply not having someone there to ask. I didn't feel safe or able to openly ask for help whenever I needed it big or small. In certain situations, I felt belittled for not already knowing how to do something when the person I did ask for help thought or said something along the lines of "You should know how to do that." Which as an adult turned me into a person who struggles tremendously when it comes to asking for or even accepting help when offered to me. I never wanted my kids to feel those feelings. But I know they have at some point felt like a burden or bother to me and I hate that for them. My excuse was always something related to life being busy or stressful leaving me tired or mentally not there. And sometimes even the lack of awareness that as a mom it is my job to teach them things they were asking for help with instead of just assuming they should know how.

I think not growing up with a personal experience of what an active, healthy, happy mother or father does often seeps into our own parenting. That and just remembering in general that they are kids. Somethings I make the mistake on automatically assuming they should know because no one taught me how to do it or it's common sense. Not realizing that someone should've actually taught or at least guided me so I knew how to correctly do it. And uh..... what's common sense to an adult is not common sense to a child. Wish I could've told a couple people from my childhood that, lol.

I know I'm unfortunately guilty of both. But the fact that I know and am willing to right my wrongs is what's important. It took some reflecting to realize that some of the things I felt like my kids should know were actually things I learned from TV, movies, life, or friends when in reality I should've learned them at home...not on my own. Now I have the opportunity to make sure my kids don't have to learn or feel the same way. That is in no way saying I didn't learn anything from my parents but I definitely missed out on a lot of lessons and memories that would've made both my life and parenting my children a lot easier. Another milestone in my journey of healing my own childhood trauma was recognizing and understanding that my parents faced their own battles in life and also missed out on important parenting experiences that their parents didn't provide them. They can't teach me what they didn't and still haven't learned themselves. I am just grateful that the path I took in life allowed me to learn these life lessons that I pray they one day learn themselves. However, that is not my focus or battle to face. My focus and goal is to stop the cycle of abuse intentional and unintentional with me.

Remember, not making your kids feel like a burden doesn't mean being available every time they want your attention for something. It's okay to teach your kids boundaries and ask for space. It's okay to ask your village for a couple hours or a night off. Remember they need a happy and healthy (both mentally and physically) so you have to learn to balance life and your kid's needs. Especially such a basic but oh-so-important need of just having you.

I lost sight of that a lot. I spent years on auto-pilot working, trying to balance school (when I was in school) and then a new business and another new business, stressing things inside and outside of my home, etc. I was hyper-focused on giving them better than I had not realizing they were missing out on one of the most important things they needed....a mom. I was used to my mom working 2-3 jobs and always being gone and my dad being in prison/jail so not active. In my head....they had my husband so they were good. At least one active/stable parent was home.

What really made me pause and I'll never forget this... was my husband one day telling me about my daughter's crush and it was something he said about one of their favorite shows or YouTube influencers. I can't remember exactly what he said, but what I do remember is how I felt realizing he knew their favorite things and shared "secrets" with them. Like I've said before I didn't have active parents so my husband knowing these things had me side eyeing him but also side eyeing myself. Like am I really that wrapped up in life that I don't know shit about my kids?

Mom guilt immediately kicks in. And so does my need to feel like I have to overcompensate to make up for the areas I was failing in. So does my anger and hurt feeling like my kids didn't like me. When in reality I put them on the back burner and every time they wanted to show me something or spend time with them I immediately expressed how busy or tired I was. This resulted in them pulling back and finding more comfort in Dad. Which of course I am happy they had someone to turn to but I'd be lying if I said it didn't also make me start to resent him. The problem was I had no one to blame but myself. He was taking care of home so I could grow my businesses and I was letting work consume and neglecting home. I had to find balance. Although I switched my entire life around and primarily work from home- I still am not perfect. But I do try to communicate why I can't stop what I'm doing and give my attention and set boundaries/schedules to help make sure im accomplishing what I need while still making sure my kids are getting that needed attention.

Another thing I struggle with and I used to struggle in the present tense because I'm still working on it.....is raising super affectionate kids. That's not something I grew up with so it's also not something I craved, lol. As someone who is not used to constant hugs, cuddles and I love you's it's hard not to push my kids away because they are super affectionate, especially my oldest. I've had conversations with them like "It's not you...it's me." lol. I never want them to feel like I don't love them or I don't want their love but I do feel it important they understand not everyone expresses their love the same and I am not annoyed by them specifically. It's just an adjustment for mommy.

I often remind my kids " We are learning and growing daily as parents. Give us grace and room to make mistakes." I know this doesn't excuse every and any mistake but I am hoping it will at least replay in their minds and reassure them no one is perfect. Not even moms and dads.